of ambitions and meanderings

drinking: soda water with pom-mango juice. about a 50/50 mix. not a warm beverage, but a delicious one.

because i want to, i'm going to blog in all lower case today. huzzah.

i just texted you and said i'm partially done this blog. true, but i didn't say i'm 3 sentences and a title deep. i just haven't blogged in so long that i don't know where to start. so i thought i'd start with the joy of this week, and how it's brought about a lot of thoughts on purpose, ambition and the sort.

on monday, i made my way to that blessed place, cov bay. there is traipsed with k through the field, into the 'barracks', and onto the dock, where we lay in the sun, gnarly lake water splashing at our backs, and our skin turning a lovely shade of red. and we talked and talked and talked. and a lot about our ambitions. it seems 25-ish is a good a time as any to realize the trajectory you're on, and decide if it's the one you want, or if you need to change it before you're in too deep.

i realize, right now i'm in limbo. i'm working a good job, but nothing that really betters me or allows me to better others. it's good hours and good pay and a good location, it's just 'good' and so i feel like i'm settling for comfortable, but the thing is, i don't even feel like there's a chance i could take right now that would lead to greater fulfilment in the work place. so it's limbo.

i crave the role of 'motherhood', and feel like part of my life's calling is as a mother, to raise up children who will better their world and who will be good, hardworking, compassionate, loving, generous folks. an enormous duty, but one i strongly desire to embrace. but that one seems to be out of my control.

so i decided to throw some of my ambition into physical activity, that's going well. i seem rather committed, and there's a pay off in that i feel great and i'm eating better now too. i'm trying to do a better job of being transparent, and of communicating with those in my life. altho i also often am awful to plan something with in advance (sorry morgan, i do so want to skype, and i suck for canceling). i don't want to fill my life with pseudo purpose or things that will deafen out the sounds of an empty home and a sense of missing things. but i do recognize that limbo is a rough place to sit. it's hard to know what to run with, and what to wait on when you're life is a myriad of what if's.

and so i live in the highropes of what if's. and for the most part, it doesn't drive me too crazy. and so i meander, i dabble here, i dabble there. and i never commit to anything that's 6+ months away, because i walk the what if tight rope, and that tight rope never lets me give up hope.

and as for the meanderings, they keep my heart light and my soul joyful. i love the stories of those in my life, i love their adventures and their passions and to chat with them over a meal or a tea. and i'm so very thankful for them in my life. and i'm thankful that regardless of circumstance and situation, i'm not bitter. that i feel joy and that i feel hope, and that i still feel genuine happiness for others and i pray that never fades. that regardless of where life goes, i always remain me.

i've been to the eco twice in the last week and a bit, and i have to say, the new menu is not as good as the old. and that's lame. i am pretty sure you agree.

we're off camping tomorrow, then to a b&b at bragg creek for our anniversary, so i may not even have internet access when it's my turn again, but i'll do the best i can. and i'll try to remember to take a picture or two while i'm at it, so my post isnt pictureless like this one is.

i love you lots and lots and lots and i missed you oh so much while you were gone. this is such a rambling blog, but it's the one i've written. so here goes...