of ambitions and meanderings

drinking: soda water with pom-mango juice. about a 50/50 mix. not a warm beverage, but a delicious one.

because i want to, i'm going to blog in all lower case today. huzzah.

i just texted you and said i'm partially done this blog. true, but i didn't say i'm 3 sentences and a title deep. i just haven't blogged in so long that i don't know where to start. so i thought i'd start with the joy of this week, and how it's brought about a lot of thoughts on purpose, ambition and the sort.

on monday, i made my way to that blessed place, cov bay. there is traipsed with k through the field, into the 'barracks', and onto the dock, where we lay in the sun, gnarly lake water splashing at our backs, and our skin turning a lovely shade of red. and we talked and talked and talked. and a lot about our ambitions. it seems 25-ish is a good a time as any to realize the trajectory you're on, and decide if it's the one you want, or if you need to change it before you're in too deep.

i realize, right now i'm in limbo. i'm working a good job, but nothing that really betters me or allows me to better others. it's good hours and good pay and a good location, it's just 'good' and so i feel like i'm settling for comfortable, but the thing is, i don't even feel like there's a chance i could take right now that would lead to greater fulfilment in the work place. so it's limbo.

i crave the role of 'motherhood', and feel like part of my life's calling is as a mother, to raise up children who will better their world and who will be good, hardworking, compassionate, loving, generous folks. an enormous duty, but one i strongly desire to embrace. but that one seems to be out of my control.

so i decided to throw some of my ambition into physical activity, that's going well. i seem rather committed, and there's a pay off in that i feel great and i'm eating better now too. i'm trying to do a better job of being transparent, and of communicating with those in my life. altho i also often am awful to plan something with in advance (sorry morgan, i do so want to skype, and i suck for canceling). i don't want to fill my life with pseudo purpose or things that will deafen out the sounds of an empty home and a sense of missing things. but i do recognize that limbo is a rough place to sit. it's hard to know what to run with, and what to wait on when you're life is a myriad of what if's.

and so i live in the highropes of what if's. and for the most part, it doesn't drive me too crazy. and so i meander, i dabble here, i dabble there. and i never commit to anything that's 6+ months away, because i walk the what if tight rope, and that tight rope never lets me give up hope.

and as for the meanderings, they keep my heart light and my soul joyful. i love the stories of those in my life, i love their adventures and their passions and to chat with them over a meal or a tea. and i'm so very thankful for them in my life. and i'm thankful that regardless of circumstance and situation, i'm not bitter. that i feel joy and that i feel hope, and that i still feel genuine happiness for others and i pray that never fades. that regardless of where life goes, i always remain me.

i've been to the eco twice in the last week and a bit, and i have to say, the new menu is not as good as the old. and that's lame. i am pretty sure you agree.

we're off camping tomorrow, then to a b&b at bragg creek for our anniversary, so i may not even have internet access when it's my turn again, but i'll do the best i can. and i'll try to remember to take a picture or two while i'm at it, so my post isnt pictureless like this one is.

i love you lots and lots and lots and i missed you oh so much while you were gone. this is such a rambling blog, but it's the one i've written. so here goes...

Back to Our Regular Programming?

Drinking: a smoothie. In a plastic cup with a green straw. The smoothie is SO GOOD, I have no idea what I put in it (there is frozen spinach....but that's NOT what makes it awesome...there's a lot of fruit, and orange-hibiscus green tea). It is not a hot drink, but it is hot/muggy/needs to rain AND it's my lunch.

Now that the excuses part of this blog are done let us move on to the more lovely things...

1. There is a pot of a bunch of things that were in the freezer that are going to become some sort of soup (also never be able to reproduce this soup). It smells like cabbage and beets right now. Yum. There is also a frozen chicken on the bottom of the pot. It's turning purple.

2. There are some banana's defrosting on the table so I can make banana muffins with chocolate chips. Need I say more?

3. There is also ground elk on the counter defrosting so Des and I can make burgers for supper with those little flat buns. I'm looking forward to supper!

4. I still have to unpack, since taking everything out of my duffel bag and dumping it on my bed is not working out too well. It's getting difficult to tell which things are clean and which are not...I'm starting to have to actually try to remember what I wore and when. Or smell things.

5. This week is busy. Monday to Thursday I am working 8-4 in the kidney transplant clinic (I'm orientating to the clinic so I can pick up the shifts when the nurses there go on vacation), and then Friday and Saturday I work nights. Then (also) on Monday I'm going to the Wright's for supper and then babysitting B while L+G go for a date evening; Tuesday I have to make something to take to small group BBQ; Wednesday I am going to the BBQ. I may be busy, but if you blog, I'll blog ;)...I think that will make Morgan happy.

6. I REALLY missed you while I was gone. Pretty sure you were the first person I said anything to when I got off the plane in Toronto. I LOVED adventuring and wished it didn't have to end, BUT I am glad to have you at the other end of my BlackBerry Messenger again.

7. That being said, I am considering an iphone. When we had wifi in Spain, I really liked using k's. At any rate, whatever I choose, we can still communicate via text, and then there's always this, our semi-neglected, but totally loved blog.

8. I own 3 vegan cookbooks. My favourite place to eat is vegan. I have no intention of becoming a vegetarian, let alone a vegan. However, I do like to dabble in these new and interesting and generally yummy recipes. Granted 2 of the cookbooks are STRICTLY bakeing and sweets. The newest one is a giant book of lots of great looking recipes.

9. I really really really don`t want to clean my room. Sigh. It makes me tired just thinking of it. In fact, this morning I went up to clean, but caught up on the episodes of How I Met Your Mother that i missed while I was gone. And one episode of The Big Bang Theory. This is why I went down to organize the freezer and make a list of everything in it...so I wouldn`t have to deal with my room...or watch anymore TV.

10. I`m gonna go over to Safeway now to get some ketchup and milk. (Interestingly, ketchup and milk were hard to come by in Spain...so as I thought `ketchup` I instantly felt -what I am going to call- "Camino sick" (like homesick, but missing the camino instead of home...which I also miss, but I am well, and happy in Winnipeg. Life if good).

Love you dearly!



This is a photo of me holding the mountains we were going to cross...although I'm pretty sure we didn't cross those exact peaks.